FOR THE GIRL That Struggles with Porn
I never thought I would be 23 years old and see an addiction therapist.
When I graduated high school, I felt ready to be an adult—ready to make my own decisions, be my own person, and see the world. I moved from my small Texas town to Denver, Colorado, for higher education.
One of my first decisions as an "adult" was to stay with my high school boyfriend. We struggled with physical boundaries while living in the same town. Moving away from each other didn't stop the struggle; it simply made the battle different. Unintentionally, around this time, I began a relationship with pornography.
What began as thoughts like: "This is not a big deal. I'm not worried about this. Pornography does not affect me," eventually became this is a big deal, I am worried about this, and I see the effects of my sin. Two and a half years into this behavior, God began to reveal this addiction.
At this point in my story, I moved back to Texas and attended Texas Tech University. I found a church family that loved Jesus and encouraged me to sincerely love Jesus myself. Every year in October, the university ministry at my church goes on a fall retreat. On this weekend getaway, God started to soften and prepare my heart for repentance.
After the weekend retreat, I began weeping over my sin. My eyes were finally open to the mess I had made. But the shame of my sin told me, "You should keep this to yourself. This struggle is embarrassing. Females do not struggle with porn. You'll die before you share this." So I was silent, and my silence produced anxiety.
I cried out to God and asked him for help, time and time again. I knew the answer to my misery but was unprepared to confess my sin. Ironically during this time, my university ministry was reading a book titled "Life Together" by Dietrich Bonhoeffer. In Chapter Five, titled Confession and Communion, James 5:16 was sprinkled into the first two sentences. This verse says, "Therefore, confess your sins to one another and pray for one another, that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person has great power as it is working." Bonhoeffer continued, saying, "he who is alone with his sin is utterly alone" (p. 110). I knew I could no longer live alone with my sin because I was completely and utterly alone.
Two months after Fall Retreat, I went home for winter break. I knew I had to share my struggle with porn with someone. Life was beginning to feel too overwhelming. I walked downstairs to my mom, laid my head in her lap, and wept. I shared what I was holding onto. Now, someone knew.
I did not feel as overwhelmed, but the shame of my sin continued. Shame told me to keep quiet. It said, "This is not something you should talk about." But God spoke louder.
In February, my church asked me to be a leader for high school Discipleship Now, a weekend church retreat for youth. At the last weekend session, a student pulled me out of the room because they wanted to rededicate their life to Christ. When talking to this specific student, she confessed her struggle with pornography. At that moment, I knew God was saying, "This is not your story. It's a story of my goodness. You cannot be silent." I cried with the student and said I also struggled with the same sin.
Since this moment, I have shared my story with many others. Every time, God is faithful to bring others to Himself.
Now don't get me wrong, fighting for freedom is difficult. I have spent hours in counseling. I never thought I would be 23 years old and see an addiction therapist. It was hard to admit that to myself. But this battle that I fight leads me to love Jesus more daily. His kindness leads me to repentance (Rom. 2:4).
Confession was my key to freedom. Confession brought my sin out of the darkness and into the light. The Bible has a lot to say about light. In Ephesians, Paul writes about living as children of light. In Ephesians 5:8-10, Paul says, "...for at one time you were darkness, but now you are light in the Lord. Walk as children of light (for the fruit of light is found in all that is good and right and true), and try to discern what is pleasing to the Lord.
I could not live in goodness, righteousness, and truth when I was alone in my sin, in the dark. Shame and guilt fed me lies. When I got into gospel-centered community, I could finally see the lies for what they were. My community informed me of God's Word and encouraged me that I could live in goodness and righteousness because of Christ's finished work on the Cross.
Friend, if you are struggling with pornography, I want to encourage you with three things:
Dig into God's Word and see for yourself who He is. Recently, my pastor Brandon said, "You disobey God because you distrust what He says. You distrust what He says because you have a distorted view of God." Our disobedience is always tied to a wrong distortion of the Lord and His Word. I encourage you to read your Bible and learn about your Savior, who can save you from your sins! The same God who spoke the world into existence is the same God who hears your cry and holds you. He is powerful. He is good. He is loving. He is quick to save.
Get into gospel-centered community and confess your sin. We should not be surprised when a sinner is "found out." We are all sinners! Scripture reminds and commands us to confess our sins to God and others. As a result, we receive forgiveness, accountability, and mercy. The following verse proves this! James 5:16 says, "Therefore, confess your sins to one another and pray for one another, that you may be healed." In 1 John 1:9, we learn, "If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness." Lastly, Proverbs 28:13 declares, "Whoever conceals his transgressions will not prosper, but he who confesses and forsakes them will obtain mercy."
Fight hard. If any part of my story resonates with you, here are some additional resources to help you fight temptation with pornography.
Covenant Eyes - Covenant Eyes is software you can download on phones, tablets, and computers to block temptation. It also has a feature to let an accountability partner know when you have struggled in this area.
Fight the New Drug - This non-profit gives incredible research and statistics about the impact pornography has on your brain, relationships, and heart.
Friend, believe Christ desires for you to live in freedom. The fight against lust is hard, but it is worth it!
