Four Questions To Ask Yourself Before Dating
Our culture has all the heart-eye emojis for all the heart-related feels. Millions tune in weekly to watch The Bachelor. Movies depict falling in love as the most intoxicating and fulfilling thing. Love songs riddle our playlists. Let’s face it: we love to love.
We know this to be true in our own lives. It’s hard not to get swept up in the idea of being liked! We feel important when guys comment on our beauty or ask us out on a date. For this reason, we must set a biblical framework for if, how, and why we date to glorify God in all we do.
DEFINING DATING
The concept of dating is relatively new. Before the 1900s, parents viewed a daughter’s marriage as a financial and social partnership. After vetting potential husbands, parents would give the best suitor their daughter’s hand in marriage. However, in the early 1900s, American society experienced a switch from traditional courtship. With new jobs and more school, dating evolved from an intense process to lighthearted fun.
Over time, this shift resulted in our Bachelor-loving, swipe-right culture. Our society claims you can have the intimacy of marriage without the commitment. However, as Christ followers, we know this is entirely backward from God’s design of holiness.
Throughout Scripture, the concept of marriage is clear: it’s a covenant between one man and one woman until death (Mark 10:9). Marriage is a good, sanctifying alternative to singleness for believers—it’s a union with unique yet equal roles (Eph. 5:22–23; Prov. 18:22; 1 Cor. 7:32–35). A married couple commits to physical, emotional, and spiritual intimacy with only each other for a lifetime (1 Cor. 7:2; Heb. 13:4).
As these verses show us, God designed marriage to last forever. It’s a holy and hard and humble thing to marry someone. You are essentially choosing who you will love, who you fight with, and who you grow with for the rest of your life! Therefore, selecting a spouse has more to do with a commitment to Christ than chemistry or cuteness.
Here’s where dating comes into play. For believers, dating can be a fun yet intentional way to get to know someone. We learn about a guy’s character by how he treats the restaurant server. We learn about his respect for women by how he treats his mom. Dating gives us a glimpse into a guy’s heart. We see how he’s walking with Jesus and if he’s a potential spouse.
It seems cruel to allow ourselves to physically, emotionally, and spiritually connect with someone before we can biblically act on it. Realistically, since dating points to marriage, it usually doesn’t make sense to date in high school, let alone middle school. (Obviously, there are exceptions to this rule.)
REFRAMING THE QUESTION ABOUT DATING
Therefore, the best question isn’t “Can I date?” but “How will dating now (in middle and high school) lead me into holiness?” Here are four questions to ask yourself before diving into a relationship.
1) What do my parents say about dating?
Here’s the bottom line. Obey your parents on this subject! They know you better than anyone else. Any rules or guidelines they have in place are set for your good.
If you feel their rules are strict, be honest about your thoughts or opinions with them. It might not change their minds, but at the bare minimum, it will help you start a conversation with your parents about why and who you date.
2) Why do I want to date?
This question comes from an honest awareness of where we place our worth. Maybe you feel like the only one not in a relationship. Or you are tired of feeling lonely and unloved. Either way, dating to fill a void will still leave you incredibly empty if you aren’t already satisfied in Christ.
When your desire to date is rooted in receiving love, the wise decision is to place dating on hold. Set aside time to anchor yourself in God’s presence and God’s Word. On the flip side, if you genuinely feel you are in a healthy, mature place to date someone who loves the Lord, the wise decision is to surround yourself with godly adults to hold you accountable.
3) What consequences could I have from dating?
Unfortunately, we live in an instant-gratifying, self-seeking, porn-addicted culture. There are more pressures to run toward sexual temptation than to flee from it. Though we might have the best intentions, dating often puts us in compromising situations. Lacking wisdom in who or when we date might result in unnecessary emotional, physical, and spiritual pain.
4) Am I pursuing the kingdom of God more than a relationship?
Regardless of our relationship status, we are to first love God with all our heart, mind, soul, and strength (Mark 12:30). If being someone’s girlfriend takes precedence over your relationship with God and sharing the gospel, dating has become an idol. Overall, being someone’s girlfriend won’t fulfill you. It might curb your loneliness temporarily, but dating can’t compare to the passionate pursuit of Jesus.
CONCLUSION
These questions ultimately help us gauge our emotional and spiritual maturity. If you’re hesitant to date or only want a relationship out of a pressure to fit in, the wise thing is to put dating on hold. I’ve never met anyone who’s regretted not dating sooner, but I know lots of people who regret dating early!
Over the next few weeks, we will cover how to place boundaries in our relationships, how to handle singleness, and why it’s important to date believers. Before we continue dissecting dating, I encourage you to allow the Holy Spirit to convict you of the lies you believe dating will bring. No boy, no relationship, no amount of attention measures up to how much Christ already loves you.
We can’t build healthy relationships off of a broken foundation—our relationship with Jesus must come first.
Therefore, let’s choose to obey our parents, place our hope in Christ, realize the potential consequences of dating, and pursue Him over a relationship. It’s not easy—especially when we feel lonely. But everything we believe a boyfriend will fulfill in us has already been given to us in Christ!
Megan Gover is the executive director of Minted Truth, an online Bible study resource for middle school and high school girls around the world. She and her team desire teen girls to know Christ deeper through Bible studies and resources available on their free Minted Truth app. When she’s not meeting with teen girls at a local coffee shop or dreaming up a new adventure, she enjoys cuddling with her Goldendoodle pup while at home in North Texas. Connect with her on Instagram!